On Choices

Why is it important to analyse and understand what is going on with out thoughts and emotions?

Beyond the obvious answer that it will lead to action, it is not important. Not necessary. You can make an art form of escaping life and creating a false one, and I think that mechanism works for many individuals in the Western world. And they survive. And they buy houses and bear children and go on holidays. But if you want more, if just going with the flow, or storm, we call life is not enough for you, then it is important to understand. I can compare it to watching a film. You can watch the same film when you are 10, 40 and 80, and every-time see it completely differently. Obviously, when you are 40, you will understand it much better, and when you are 80, well, who knows. Hopefully I will learn that one day. On all occasions you may enjoy it even if you do not fully understand it. But when you are older, you are able to infuse more meaning into the film. Your enjoyment is on a higher plane. In all cases it is a film, which in itself is a meaningless passage of time and fiction infused with no real space, but watching it makes it real to you, to me, at that space and time you share on your sofa in front of the television. You make it real by being there.

But what if, you watch the film with all the intention you can muster, sitting on the very edge of your sofa, leaning forward, no one else is allowed to make any noise, and still, you just do not get what the hell is going on? Yes, you can see it is funny or sad sometimes, and the costumes are great, locations stunning, but still, the plot and what the characters are doing makes no sense. Well, that is what I am talking about. The Key. The deciphering that will make sense of all the data.

The first step in finding that key is figuring out ‘who gains.’ For example, if you have a certain anxiety or phobia and you would like to understand what you have this particular one, you can ask yourself, well, what do I gain from it? On the face of it, it looks like this anxiety or phobia is making your life miserable, but in actual fact, your ego developed it to survive. So you may feel or think that this phobia or anxiety is what is keeping you safe, in an uncertain situation. But The Key takes you a step further. The Key is that purest element that for as long as you have constructed your personality, has guided you and supported you to make sense of everything around you. And like most things in life, you will know it is your key if you can say it in a short sentence. The shorter, the simpler, the purer, the better and more accurate.

Once you found The Key, the next step is to look back at all your troubled experiences and current fear, and see them in the light of day. If The Key has been found, and that is the real test, then things will start making sense. The tangle of your thoughts and emotions will start making sense.

The next step is to rename this key, to make it better, so it can open all the doors for you. Judgement and negativity diminishes and separates. That has a purpose in life, like anything. But your key should be a powerful tool that helps you and promotes your health. So for example, turn the key of ‘make the right choice’ into ‘All choices are right.’ They are all right, because you made them. You own them. If they lead to a negative outcome, you will own that too. I would rather make my own bad choices, then have someone else force me to make the so called right ones.

Besides, there are no wrong choices. No one can look into the future. It is all best guesses and lots of chaos. The important thing is to make a choice, and be content with it. Having the flexibility to change your mind is also powerful. Not out of hesitation, but say you have encountered new information that changes things. Fine, change your choice. It is yours to change.

What is your Key?

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On Death and Clouds

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I have found this inspirational passage on the web, taken from Donagh O’Shea’s “I Remember Your Name in the Night: Thinking about Death,” and although simple, beautifully written. I know many of us stay away from this topic as much as possible, but unfortunately some of us cannot repress it. In either case, I think the excerpt below has a strong message:

“I have a young friend whose whole world is boyfriends, clothes and aerobics.  She is also terrified of death, more than most.  I am aware that in befriending me she is also probably coming as close to thinking about death as she is able at the moment: I have a white beard!  One day she will speak seriously to me about death; at present she can only speak of it by allusion.  Like the grim reaper himself I am watching and waiting!  I know death by proxy and I am not so afraid, or at least I think I am not, at the moment.  I want to speak of it, not in order to draw this child from her pleasures, but to bring death into the human circle.  It surrounds our life on every side; how could we pretend that it is not there?  It is part of the equation; how could we enter our humanity deeply without reflecting on it?

The knowledge of death gives you depth, whether you like it or not.  It forces you to see the shape of your life, since you have to imagine it finished.  If you are in a cloud you cannot see the cloud’s shape, so you have the impression that it has no limits; these can be seen only from the outside.  You have to imagine your life finished some day, so you cannot avoid thinking of its shape.  How does it look when you think of it like this?  It looks particular, limited, local; it is such-and-such, it is not the limitless thing you imagined.  There will be a time when no further avoidance of realities, no further postponement of depth, will be possible.

Every moment of our life is profound because in a sense it is the last; it is the first and last time this moment is happening.  (I wonder if the fascination that many western people have with reincarnation is only a disguised fear of death?)  The moment is profound only if you know how to let it pass, how not to be greedy.  Why are we not taught a science of living the moment fully and then letting it pass?  It would be the most important of all sciences.  You try to hold onto the moment because you have not lived it and therefore you want to keep it for later.  But when you think of death you know that postponement comes to an end.  So death teaches you how to live with depth.

I have found that the times and places where I poured out my life were precisely the times and places that I left most easily.  I trust that this experience, if I enter it deeply, will teach me in the end how to leave all time and place, how to leave this sweet life.”

From I Remember your Name in the Night, Donagh O’Shea
(Dominican Publications, Dublin 1997, 2nd ed. 2017)

 

 

On Fear

“Move outside the tangle of fear-thinking.
Live in silence.”

JELALUDDIN RUMI
(1207-1273)

Fear can be a terrible thing when misplaced. I think it has the power to blind us from the real danger, which leaves us in a worst place than not experiencing this evolutionary life-preserving trait.

The self-help solution to most psychological problems or imbalances that we face in the West originates from lack of self reliance. We expect other people, our partner, our employer, out neighbour, our kid’s teacher, our national health system, our government, to fix ‘it’ for us, whatever ‘it’ means. We are consumers, and they are the providers. So if there is some dissonance in me, they need to know how to diagnose and they need to provide me with the remedy.

But what if there is none? What if no one can relief the pain and the fear, because it is founded in Truth? I think at that point we need to remove the blinkers from our eyes, and allow ourselves the basic right that we all deserve: To grow up. To fully understand what it means that we only have ourselves to rely on, and if we do not let ourselves recognise that, then we are bound to remain that poor baby stuck in a cot crying his eyes out.

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Let me finish this post with Rumi’s inspiring full poem:

JELALUDDIN RUMI, Selected Poems, Penguin Classics

(1207-1273)

There is a community of the spirit.
Join it, and feel the delight
of walking in the noisy street,
and being the noise.

Close both eyes
to see with the other eye.

Open your hands,
if you want to be held.

Sit down in this circle.

Quit acting like a wolf, and feel
the shepherd’s love filling you….

Be empty of worrying.
Think of who created thought!

Why do you stay in prison
when the door is so wide open?

Move outside the tangle of fear-thinking.
Live in silence.

Flow down and down in always
widening rings of being.

Acceptance and Rain

“[…] For after all, the best thing one can do
When it is raining, is to let it rain […]”

HENRY WADSWORTH LONGFELLOW, The Poet’s Tale; The Birds of Killingworth

What does Acceptance mean? I think this question is much more complicated than we think. This word is branded everywhere these days as the enlightened Mindfulness solution to almost everything that causes us discomfort and pain. But to most of us who see ourselves as responsible adults who are well familiar with the word ‘Acceptance,’ should we not actually stop for a second and think if we actually understand what it means for us?

For example, say that a loved one has passed away. What does Acceptance mean for someone who has been left bereft by the loss of this individual? Of course the bereft knows this individual is gone, or let’s assume that she/he does. But what does accepting that death means? I think it can mean several things.

For one, I think it means accepting that there will be no more future experiences with this individual. No more birthdays, no more arguments, no more hugs, no more phone calls, no more trips to the hospital.

I think acceptance in this case also means that the bereft acknowledges, and really believes, that they had no control over losing this person. The guilt that is there that ‘there must have been something I could have done’ is not true, or in the worst case, no longer relevant. Thinking about it will just be punishment. And if this punishment serves no purpose, it is meaningless.

Acceptance also means that all the past memories with this individual is all that we have left. So to brand them as painful, and try and repress the images is being cruel to oneself, and not doing justice to the deceased either.

But how can you accept pain? How can you accept the injustice of it all? I don’t think Acceptance in this case means either of these things. Accepting the fact that losing this individual is a negative experience, full with pain, sadness and a feeling of injustice simply means that we know we were there, and it happened indeed. This is real. And we have lived through it. We were present. I think that is one of the largest part of Acceptance. Saying Yes, I was there when it happened. Or I lived through what happened. I am not trying to forget about it, or pretend that it never took place.

What else does Acceptance mean? I personally think it means Honesty. Being honest with yourself and others that a part of history, of life, has been stopped. Forever. And to cover it in various way in order to subdue the pain is weakness, and makes the bereft’s life smaller. In an unnecessary way.

Taking for example a woman who have lost her husband of over 50 years. What does Acceptance means based on the above? She knows she is now left on her own. That the grown-up kids will provide no replacement, not even the sweet grandchildren. That her flame of life has been extinguished. That every morning when she wakes up with that terrible burden upon her heart, when she suddenly smiles because she heard a silly joke on the telly and then remembers there is no one significant to share it with, when she cries herself to sleep every night, or when she goes alone to the endless doctor’s appointments older people have. She knows all this is true, so what is there more to Accept?

I think in this case, it would means asking oneself a terrible question. A question that requires cruel honesty and bravery. Is life worth living? If the answer is No, then no one can help. The only way is down towards deterioration and probably not too far away death. If the answer is No, then staying alive will only sum up to unnecessary pain, and one is better off without it. If the memories of the past are so much more powerful than anything else worth living for, than there is point in carrying on. And we need to respect that without judgement.

But if life is still worth living, then Acceptance would mean letting go of the past, and welcoming the future. It would mean celebrating every day, as if it were the last. It would mean aspiring to laugh and feel joy as much as possible, because everyone’s time is going towards the inevitable end. I think ultimately in this case, Acceptance of her husband’s death would mean choosing Life. It means stop comparing how life use to be to how it is now. It means Accepting that every split second the only decision in not whether the past was better to anything the present or the future can offer, but whether we want to be here right now and Tomorrow. That is the only question. Acceptance means asking this question, and being brave enough to answer it, and resilient enough to follow the answer through.

Acceptance means that we accept that it is raining, and we cannot do anything to make it stop, but we still know a couple more things: That we can seek shelter, and that it won’t last forever.

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On Boredom

When I was younger, I was intrigued by Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. In his 1943 paper “A Theory of Human Motivation,” he asserted that as humans, we are motivated by a set of five needs, in order of importance. We only get motivated by the next level need if the one before is satisfied. The five needs, in their chronological order, are “physiological”, “safety”, “belonging and love”, “esteem”, “self-actualization”, and “self-transcendence.” The goal of Maslow’s Theory is to attain this top level. I have also read somewhere that at a later stage in his life, Maslow extended the idea to include  “innate curiosity”, but I think the original idea is still powerful and complete.

I have also read online, which I wasn’t aware before, that Maslow studied what he called ‘exemplary people’ rather than mentally ill or neurotic people, believing that “the study of crippled, stunted, immature, and unhealthy specimens can yield only a cripple psychology and a cripple philosophy.” Maslow studied the healthiest 1% of the college student population [5].

This hierarchy of needs always impressed me, and made me think that it well described how ‘we’ (the healthy individual, apparently) get motivated to do what we do. So for example, why in a younger age I obsessed about a financially secure position so I could buy a house, in an area I will feel safe in, and then my focus was about getting friends that I love hanging around with, followed by a partner I would like to raise a family with, then a career that will justify all the long and difficult University years and make me appreciate who and what I am and have achieved (and yes, I am one of those that think that they pay you for how much they think you are worth, sorry), which in more recent years lead me to focus on having children and realising myself as an adult who is mature and round enough of personality to accompany another human being into this world. Still stuck on that one I’m afraid, but ‘self transcendence’ as a next stop is about the only positive thing I can imagine to look forward to as I get older.

Saying that, I think Maslow had one major oversight. The modern Western world. The world where everything we need is there for the taking, we just need to have a little bit of motivation, focus and self control to reach for it. What I think Maslow is missing in this context, is a motivational need that is entwined in all other five. And that is boredom.

Yes, boredom. Think about this. You are sitting in your nice comfortable house, heated or cooled as you wish, all your basic needs catered for, from running clear water, clean toilets, light, and an ultra HD 55” TV. What happens at that stage? Yes, you may be looking for a job, maybe a partner to live with, perhaps even get pregnant, but all of these thoughts are almost secondary. In that island of yours, your living room, you will probably do and say things that will not promote you in any way, or make your life more complete. You will do them just because there is a vacuum. Because you can. Perhaps a radical example is couples splitting up because one of them decided to hook up with an old Facebook friend they just reconnected with. Perhaps selling your car for a new one you don’t really need or want, but hey, it’s something to do. Perhaps it is allowing yourself to ponder back about your life and all the things you should or could have done, ‘if you only knew that…’ and then feel sorry for the choices you made. Perhaps it is why some people focus on themselves and obsess about their health niggles, and how they are scared, depressed, weak, unable, to live this life to the full.

Would Maslow agree? Probably not. I guess him dealing with the cream of society did not include the rest of us. But I think, maybe the whole reason he came up with this hierarchy is because there was nothing good on the telly.

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The Power of Goodbye

‘Eveline’ is one of the shortest stories that make up the Irish author’s James Joyce collection of short stories called Dubliners (1914).

I always remembered Eveline as a powerful story about what happens when you do not say goodbye, where goodbye is needed.

Eveline is a young woman living in Dublin with her dad, her mother dead. Dreaming of a better life beyond the shores of Ireland, she plans to elope with Frank, a sailor who is her secret lover and start a new life in Argentina. Eveline is responsible for the running of the poor household, overshadowed by a drunk and abusive father. Eveline herself works in a shop. Eveline is tired of this life, and so she and Frank book onto a ship leaving for Argentina. But as she is just about to board the ship, Eveline gets scared “She set her white face to him, passive, like a helpless animal. Her eyes gave him no sign of love or farewell or recognition”, leaving Frank to board the ship alone.

For me, the essence of the story is that Eveline cannot say goodbye to her sad life in Ireland, to her abusive father, and sense of meaning and identity which is based on negative experiences. I have carried that image in my head for almost twenty years now.

I don’t think many of us think about the importance of saying goodbye. Of course we all know that at certain points in our lives we need to let go of someone or something, but usually this process can become quite painful and scarring.

I think we need to reconsider. I think that we need to reframe the sadness and pain that can come with goodbye, to make life bigger rather than smaller. When goodbyes happen, I think, many times we see it as life limiting, and life denying, sucking the colour and music away from the simplest daily actions such as brushing our teeth or taking the bin out. It all becomes a drag, heavy, and sad. Why? I guess because the person or thing that we needed to part from was a big part of our lives. Of the way we defined ourselves, the way out memories built an identity, a secure port we sail to when our life is out of balance. This person or thing was probably associated with laughter and a sense of belonging, something or someone that made us think we know who we are.

Consider a father that needs to let their child go in a divorce. A wife seeing her husband fading away to a terminal disease, a pretty woman losing her looks to age, a hard working man losing his house to the bank, a kid losing their beloved pet. The list goes on forever. How can anyone come to them and even hint that this is a life empowering moment rather than a devastating distortion in how things should have been?

They cannot. But what can happen, is that once the pain and grieving is weakened, sadness should start getting replaced with power.

The power to say goodbye, the power to know that what you have experienced is wrong, and unfair, and cruel, and say OK, but there was no other way for it to be, and I am still here, is the power of goodbye. The power to realise that if anything was different, or happend in any other way, then it would not be the you that is now, but some other parallel you, that might as well be a different person. The power to know that if you do not say goodbye, you will not be bringing the object of desire back into your life or existence, but rather get sucked into that dark place in yourself which is removed from the real world.

The power to say goodbye is one of the most important super powers a human can ever possess. Goodbye is not a bad thing, it is acceptance that a situation has changed, and amicably, parties go their separate ways. There is an element of control, as the goodbye is given, there is choice. It is not storming away, running scared, it is kindly, admitting that the end of that relationship or part of our lives is finished.

I think if there is one thing we can embrace about the power of goodbye, is do it with a smile. A genuine smile. A smile because it that split second, when your heart is breaking into pieces, you stop and breath. And you say to yourself, no, I will not let this event destroy me, I will use this event to summarise all the good things that have happened with this individual or thing until this point in my life. I choose to make this moment about joy and completeness, and acceptance, and not about the darkness.

This split second decision to cry or to smile, I think, will have a long lasting impact on the rest of our lives, when we look back at it. If we want to carry on the journey of life, if we want to take part in the next day, then creating events that suck all of our energy away and paint the world black will work against us. So the power of goodbye, is the path to meeting something or someone else in the future. It’s life.

Eveline did say goodbye, but she said goodbye to her own happiness and self realisation instead to her abusive father and unfulfilling existence. If we do not learn how to say goodbye, we put ourselves in even a greater danger of saying all the wrong ones.

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