“[…] For after all, the best thing one can do
When it is raining, is to let it rain […]”
HENRY WADSWORTH LONGFELLOW, The Poet’s Tale; The Birds of Killingworth
What does Acceptance mean? I think this question is much more complicated than we think. This word is branded everywhere these days as the enlightened Mindfulness solution to almost everything that causes us discomfort and pain. But to most of us who see ourselves as responsible adults who are well familiar with the word ‘Acceptance,’ should we not actually stop for a second and think if we actually understand what it means for us?
For example, say that a loved one has passed away. What does Acceptance mean for someone who has been left bereft by the loss of this individual? Of course the bereft knows this individual is gone, or let’s assume that she/he does. But what does accepting that death means? I think it can mean several things.
For one, I think it means accepting that there will be no more future experiences with this individual. No more birthdays, no more arguments, no more hugs, no more phone calls, no more trips to the hospital.
I think acceptance in this case also means that the bereft acknowledges, and really believes, that they had no control over losing this person. The guilt that is there that ‘there must have been something I could have done’ is not true, or in the worst case, no longer relevant. Thinking about it will just be punishment. And if this punishment serves no purpose, it is meaningless.
Acceptance also means that all the past memories with this individual is all that we have left. So to brand them as painful, and try and repress the images is being cruel to oneself, and not doing justice to the deceased either.
But how can you accept pain? How can you accept the injustice of it all? I don’t think Acceptance in this case means either of these things. Accepting the fact that losing this individual is a negative experience, full with pain, sadness and a feeling of injustice simply means that we know we were there, and it happened indeed. This is real. And we have lived through it. We were present. I think that is one of the largest part of Acceptance. Saying Yes, I was there when it happened. Or I lived through what happened. I am not trying to forget about it, or pretend that it never took place.
What else does Acceptance mean? I personally think it means Honesty. Being honest with yourself and others that a part of history, of life, has been stopped. Forever. And to cover it in various way in order to subdue the pain is weakness, and makes the bereft’s life smaller. In an unnecessary way.
Taking for example a woman who have lost her husband of over 50 years. What does Acceptance means based on the above? She knows she is now left on her own. That the grown-up kids will provide no replacement, not even the sweet grandchildren. That her flame of life has been extinguished. That every morning when she wakes up with that terrible burden upon her heart, when she suddenly smiles because she heard a silly joke on the telly and then remembers there is no one significant to share it with, when she cries herself to sleep every night, or when she goes alone to the endless doctor’s appointments older people have. She knows all this is true, so what is there more to Accept?
I think in this case, it would means asking oneself a terrible question. A question that requires cruel honesty and bravery. Is life worth living? If the answer is No, then no one can help. The only way is down towards deterioration and probably not too far away death. If the answer is No, then staying alive will only sum up to unnecessary pain, and one is better off without it. If the memories of the past are so much more powerful than anything else worth living for, than there is point in carrying on. And we need to respect that without judgement.
But if life is still worth living, then Acceptance would mean letting go of the past, and welcoming the future. It would mean celebrating every day, as if it were the last. It would mean aspiring to laugh and feel joy as much as possible, because everyone’s time is going towards the inevitable end. I think ultimately in this case, Acceptance of her husband’s death would mean choosing Life. It means stop comparing how life use to be to how it is now. It means Accepting that every split second the only decision in not whether the past was better to anything the present or the future can offer, but whether we want to be here right now and Tomorrow. That is the only question. Acceptance means asking this question, and being brave enough to answer it, and resilient enough to follow the answer through.
Acceptance means that we accept that it is raining, and we cannot do anything to make it stop, but we still know a couple more things: That we can seek shelter, and that it won’t last forever.
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Examined Life 101 